Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
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i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.