I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
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Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there