13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
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“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.