I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
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How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”