OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
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1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
This kinda thing happens to me often
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead