*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
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Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
crazy
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.