gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
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how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.