Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
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[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.