Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
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GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !