Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
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[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.