Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
You Might Also Like
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.