I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
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Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
finally
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
[at the general store]
me: one general please
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Comparing yourself to others