Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
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Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
“Why you watching this shit?”
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged