me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
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The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
❤️❤️❤️
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.