“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
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“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???