Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
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What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
my name if I was in the mob
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?