Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
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“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.