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An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.