What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
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Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews