*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
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I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.