weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
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To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Only a mother’s love …
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I’m good, thanks.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait