Do one person every day that scares you.
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[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
I hope it’s French Onion!
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.