Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
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On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes