Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
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bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Dance like you’re not the father
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane