OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
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[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me