People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
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what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
british sex workers really pound for pound
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.