Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
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Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.