Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
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Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.