huge valentines day plans this year!!
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Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
i really liked this one
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
reminder
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!