People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
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at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.