I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
You Might Also Like
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.