Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Encore…
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.