Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
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doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*