Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
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You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
opening twitter today
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Just got to our Airbnb!
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.