NASA has no chill
You Might Also Like
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin