Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
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“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
A short story of betrayal:
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
car not found
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.