“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
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Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”