When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
You Might Also Like
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”