Did I do this right
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Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I don鈥檛 always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it鈥檚 because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Rich people don鈥檛 buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I鈥檓 an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 馃幎 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I don鈥檛 know if I鈥檓 still tired or already tired.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.