what my late-night hot pocket sees
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Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.