Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
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why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14