[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
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Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you