Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
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Yup!
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird