That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
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I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Made something I’m not proud of
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.