NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
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*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.