ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
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I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
so this horse walks into a bar
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.