*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
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Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.