I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
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Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.