You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
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Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
😂😂