Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
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According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.